Mourning DOP

Mourning myself, yes, for what
I think I may have become.
You really don’t know what’s best for you-
what irony-I dare to laugh at this irony-
sometimes in tears you are happier
than in laughter.
For excessive laughter
kills the heart.
Of course maybe if the ‘me’ of
a few months ago
met the ‘me’ of today
she would not agree that she is better.
But it feels as if I’ve gained some things alhamdulilah,
but lost some essentials.
Maybe it is this busy way of life?
I was advised to stop thinking and analyzing and worrying.
So I did.
Completely?
Allahu aalam.
I don’t know what my status is with Allah
to compare it with what it was.
But something I can’t put my finger on is missing now..
I feel like I went through an exchange.
A loss for a gain.
I am not-nor do I hope to ever be-satisifed with myself.
I have a long way to go.
Oh Allah, grant me wisdom.
Grant me a quiet wisdom.
I want to be the deep of the ocean:
Calm and stable.
I don’t want to be its crashing shores.
All sound, all energy…
but shallow at its core.

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2 Responses to Mourning DOP

  1. hiddensouls says:

    this is so beautiful and so true…i ❤ it…
    mashaAllah…very well said..

    • DaughterofPearls says:

      jazakiAlalhu khairan…happy you liked it 😉 I’m gonna be mourning myself even more though if I don’t get up this second to go study!

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